RIP The Swayze

Not the greatest actor. Not the greatest singer. But one film that defined an era and genre will make sure Patrick Swayze will be remembered for as long as there are wedding discos.

RIP Patrick.

(Point Break, Donnie Darko and Ghost were pretty blimmin' awesome too. )

This week's poll winner!

Congratulations to somebody called Angelina Jolie for winning the JKM Best Pout Poll. But seriously you guys, Keira is like REALLY upset. Just think about what you've done to her. Just think.

1. Angelina Jolie
2. Megan The Fox
3. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers
4. Keira 'Twice' Knightley

'The never before seen rehearsal footage the world has been waiting for...'

So it is actually happening then. Sony Pictures really are putting out a movie - A MOVIE! - of Michael Jackson's rehearsal footage - REHEARSAL FOOTAGE! ('Ok. Enough capitals to express outrage.'Ed)

Now Jacko was one of the great show people of the last 30 years, fact. But it seems odd that such a fastidious, perfectionist performer should now be remembered in footage that will clearly show him not at 100%, either physically (presumably) or professionally. Had the actual O2 gigs gone ahead, polished and preened to perfection, then a movie of the show would be obvious (3-D would've been good too). But to cobble something together from material that was never intended to be used as a movie seems nothing more than... surprise surprise... an attempt to fill the coffers.

It's intriguing of course. But I prefer to save 'intriguing' for 4 minute packages on The One Show, not rushed cinema cash-ins.

As with anything Jacko, the excuse that it's 'for the fans' can always be wheeled out. No-one has more dedicated fans the King Of Pop (TM). But surely the fans who really care for his legacy wouldn't want him to be remembered as anything but the slickest star of his generation. Something this hasty can't ever be that slick, surely?

Drew! Ellen! Rollerblades!

Drew Barrymore is one of my favourite actors from my 'youth' (Never Been Kissed = her greatest performance). Ellen Page is one of my favourite current stars. Put them together and you have Whip It, Drew's directing debut and Ellen's chance to show off her rollerblading skills.

10 things to know about The Imaginarium Of Dr Parnassus

1. It's very much in director Terry Gilliam's signature style i.e hugely overblown flights of fancy at the expense of anything approaching rigorous storytelling.

2. It's about an ancient guru (Christopher Plummer) who tours contemporary London with his travelling show - and the secrets he is hiding. Heath Ledger co-stars as a disgraced ex-charity worker who latches on to Dr P.

3. Heath died before filming was completed, so the not-entirely-unknown trio of Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell stood in for his character in three fantasy sequences (the fantasy bit allows them to look different to Heath).

4. The three fantasy sequences are, to be honest, a little bit pointless. Admittedly the film couldn't have got finished without them - but having some massive names in fairly brief, CGI-heavy scenes seems a little bit of a waste.

5. Heath Ledger's character is a bit 'unfocused' (ie. not really much of anything).

6. The best thing in the movie is actually Lily Cole, the model/actress who stars as Plummer's daughter. Her cherubic face and red locks give her an other worldly look that perfectly complements the pic's antique feel, whilst she's also pretty good at playing it appealingly naive. She's the emotional heart.

7. The film is REALLY hard to follow.

8. It's out in October.

9. You can't help but admire the movie for the awesome way it looks (especially the non-CGI stuff of Dr P's ramshackle coach and horses that trots through night-time London) - but its computerized dream sequences look a bit Spy Kids. There'll be a flurry of interest in this one because of the Heath factor but it's little more than a colourful curio.

10. It's not a sequel to Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

JKM poll results - Best Posh British Actress!

1. Helena Bonham-Carter
2. Kate Winslet
3. Keira 'Twice' Knightley
4. Emma Watson

Bellatrix Lestrange beating Hermione Granger is surely not good for world order, but there you go. THE PUBLIC HAS SPOKEN.

An insomniac's review of The Bodyguard

I don't sleep much. Frankly, there are too many films on ITV2 that I've recorded that I want to watch (normally Total Recall or Love, Actually) for me to sleep.

This week it was The Bodyguard.

Now, this is not a film that I know well. I do know, however, that 'back in the day' it was absolutely blimmin' massive (we're talking 1992). The soundtrack, depending on which report you read, is often said to be the biggest ever.

So my 3am viewing was ripe for surprises. And surprises I got.

1. Whitney Houston, playing a bitchy but hugely successful singer in need of a bodyguard, is ABSOLUTELY AWESOME. I mean really gutsy. It's she who seduces Kevin Costner and she who plays him. She's a real broad.

2. Kevin Costner - who let's not forget, was the biggest male star in Hollywood back then - is astoundingly bad. I've seen more animation in a kitchen table. Yes, he's meant to be a tough, regimented military man but he is also THE MOST TEDIOUS MAN IN THE WORLD. There's zero chemistry between him and Whitney. In fact, they just look like they want to stab each other.

3. There's really not that much snoggage. Despite everyone knowing the weepy track 'I Will Always Love You', that's only right at the end in a shortened form and it feels stuck in. The two leads never really have much of a relationship. It's actually more of a crime drama (psycho fan stalking a celeb). It's also so overstyled in a 90s erotic thriller way (shadows, mansions, outfits etc) that it's hard for any warm romance to filter through.

4. Summary - it's really genuinely odd. The kind of film that now would have critics laughing hysterically in the aisles as it's so cheesy. But this film was HUGE. It had them blubbing in the aisles. I'm lost, readers, I really am. The Bodyguard now feels like a curiously heartless slice of 'B' movie cheese.

That said, I'm now off to download the soundtrack.